Piggy

i jump too fast

so fast that i forget whether the bottom of each cliff is

lined with water or rocks.

lately i just end up cracking my head open

instead of drowning.

America


i don’t think i am a very good friend-

you see-

because i talk about me more that i let you

talk about your tea ceremonies 

which i don’t even know if you take classes for

anymore

because thats how little we talk about you and

i miss when you told mrs. mcdevitt her lesson was bullshit because

propaganda 

and you left the class and

i was there for that and

you and i were friends.

now i feel like we’re just pretending because i don’t let you speak

and you don’t let me live without repremand and

i don’t care that you care except i do

but i never let anyone touch my opinions anymore.

i’m sorry.

What do you look like? Please post picture for us?

uh yeah this is me.

Same

curly haired boys make me dizzy

following each loop on their head

wondering where it will lead you to.

it’s like when you see someone on the subway and your eyes

slide over each limb

starting with their fingers or

their toes

and ending at a cuffed sleeve or the hem of their

jeans.

wondering what is underneath their clothes.

wondering

always wondering. 

but never getting close enough to feel the texture of their skin or

slip a finger in each curl.

i don’t know.

everyone is pathetic. 

Not Bad Closure

and it’s funny how your voice was never carved into my memory

after all the times i replayed that voicemail of

your fake apology.

i’m sure it wasn’t fake at the time but

as i listen to it now i hear nothing but a whine 

in your voice. i used to hit replay to see if i

still felt

anything

for you but-

when i heard your voice there were no changes in my stomach

and i could still breathe through my lungs. indifference. 

no hatred or resentment

and definitely no love.

so what was it?

what was the sound i heard before we didn’t say goodbye to each other for the last time?

connecticut filtered the sound of your voice like

a government radio

and now i don’t remember a single word that came through that speaker.

but i’m happy that the plank of wood underneath you feels better than

the heat of my body.

because i realized that four hours of drunk sex

wasn’t worth the damage from the weight of your fears that pressed against my chest.

so

i deleted you from my life 

along with your whiney voicemail. 

Relevance

Every day she asks me why i won’t get up.

Every day i lay there, letting her words drown me like my bed covers, while i try to think of an answer:

i,

who refused to drink society’s kool-aid, 

am so wrapped up in romantic comedies i literally

get sick after stalking each plot line in order to figure out the criteria

i’m supposed to hold, each MAN who walks into my life,

to.

i,

who refused to drink the kool-aid

bathed in it instead

allowing it to still seep into my pores and

hinder my own thoughts of how i want to be treated.

or how i want to love.

i am just like every other stupid

girl

out there. 

so when you ask me why i hate to get up in the morning

hate to go to school and hate to “hop in loser we’re going shopping”

maybe it’s because i’d rather sleep forever than

dissolve into the crowd just like everyone else.

just like you.

But these thoughts never pry through my lips as words. 

instead i mumble “five more minutes”

just like every

other

kid

in the movies.

Exorcise

I plunge my fingers into my hair pushing past the 

knots,

trying to reach the scabs

you’ve left on my brain

as if I could really pick them off

and the wounds would heal.

you left me confused that day,

concussed.

you left me

and now I feel I have to tear back my scalp

and crack open my skull

just to pick the pieces of you, that are still embedded in my thoughts,

out.

Not My Story

After five months he loved me
After ten we were engaged
After twelve we were married
After another year we were divorced
I was never taught to stand up
For myself especially after
Mommy died
So
After two years I went on a date
And this man said my eyes were like
Sapphires
And if he woke up to them everyday
He would be the luckiest man alive
So after a month we got married
And as another year went by this man-
My husband-
He just beat me with all his mighty pride
All I was taught
When I was younger
Was how to be a beautiful bruised bride.

and in the morning 

he no longer looks into my

sapphire eyes.

I Don’t Want To Stay Home Anymore

Sometimes when i sit alone

by the water

i think about jumping in

and in my mind i refuse to come back up

because in my mind the air is polluted by what

circulates through your own lungs,

so even if i needed-

if i wanted 

to

i could not save myself by surfacing and taking a

breath

thats how i feel when i think about you

thats how i feel when i’m sitting alone

by the water.